Personal Updates...

 Anyway -- I know I have very few followers here but I want to, I don't know, apologize for my absence? I have a lot of half-finished drafts for this blog and very little finished writing since I changed it over. Most of this is because I keep second-guessing my thoughts and feelings on certain topics, especially ones relating to transness and trans-masculinity in particular. It can be pretty fraught talking about these things on places like Tumblr and twitter (which, if you're on either site and in the trans circles that I am, have had some serious kerfluffles and drama lately, to put it very blithely). 

Which is a really weird experience for me because before, when I was presenting as a woman or a nonbinary person (who was very much not a woman) I didn't have this sort of hesitancy to state my opinion or talk about my experiences. I think this is just because I genuinely, very deeply, do not want to be seen as just Another Man™ trying to speak over women or something like that.

That being said... It was my birthday on the 4th -- I'm now thirty years old! Which is ten years older than I ever thought I would be. I was a deeply depressed kid and it only got worse in my late teens (especially after I had my first trans awakening and then deeply closeted myself) and for whatever reason, I was 100% convinced I'd die by twenty. That very much did not happen (despite all jokes about being dead/undead) and I am very happy about that but currently, also, very frustrated. 

The 3rd was my breast reduction consult with a local plastic surgeon... And it went pretty badly, all things told. If my blog description didn't clue you in, I am fat. I'm superfat or infinifat, or even midfat, I don't think? But I am fat. Definitely fat enough not to qualify for top surgery. Which is frustrating because while I did mention some chest dysphoria to my PCP when I got the referral, my primary reason for wanting to get surgery is that I have a 40K bust size. I can't breathe when I'm lying on my back and I have difficulty standing/walking because of the weight of my chest. This is especially frustrating because, looking at the American Board of Plastic Surgery's website and the before/afters for breast reductions, there are definitely people my size or bigger who have gotten them. I can't help but wonder if part of it was that it was labeled as being for transition and it seems that the standards for weight are a bit stricter for trans men when it comes to top surgery than they seem to be for cis women with breast reduction.

I say this especially because my roommate -- who is my exact height and was my exact weight when they got theirs -- had a breast reduction and it was covered by their insurance. I've found out their doctor is still practicing and I intend to contact him this Monday if I have the emotional energy to do so. 

All things told it was... really disheartening. Especially since I've been dealing with a restrictive eating disorder since 2018/2019, my breasts are nearly half of the weight the plastic surgeon wanted me to lose and a [study] showed that breast reductions are one of the safest surgeries to perform on people with a BMI <40.  I really wish it were a thing where I could just... I don't know, sign a waiver? Saying "I understand that my BMI makes it more likely to have complications from my surgery and in the event of said complications, I won't sue for malpractice nor will my family sue for malpractice if, somehow, I fucking die".

Leaving out like, what bullshit BMI actually fucking is re: whether or not someone is in good enough health to get surgery. I'm really hoping the doctor who did my roommate's surgery about a decade ago will be able to do mine because if I have to continue life with 20lbs of breast tissue... I just don't know. I really don't. I have wanted this done since I was a teenager and I was only an E cup back then. I've had consistent mammary growth since my pregnancy -- gaining 5 cup sizes and like, 20" across the bust (I also gained 6" in the band). And they have continued to grow despite starting T. Thankfully they did finally fucking stop lactating! Things they don't tell you about pregnancy is that that can fucking happen. I gave birth in 2013, btw. 

I just...yeah. I'm not sure if I'm going to write a lot more posts soon or not because I'm kind of... very down about all of this. I'm keeping track of calories just to kind of idk, show the next doctor "look, this is my caloric intake, I'm already eating well below "maintenance" level calories for my BMI and I can't safely exercise with my disabilities and my giant chest" 

Might be feeling better once the binder I bought that night comes in though. My GC2B went missing somewhere and the other binder I have is the econ-binder from Underworks which is admittedly really nice for days when I can't handle a heavier duty binder but it doesn't offer a whole lot of compression... So I bought myself their highest compression tank binder...At least it'll help with the little bit of chest dysphoria I have (Which is mostly social, let's be honest) and helps keep them somewhat out of the way...

I was just... I don't know ugh. Everyone told me "there's NO WAY they'll turn you down, not with how big your chest is" and getting the "your bmi is too high, I won't do it until you lose 55lbs" just fucking gutted me. I was so hopeful that this summer I wouldn't have to deal with all the bullshit my chest causes me but now it's... it feels very hopeless that I will ever be in a more comfortable body.

Anyway, because this was supposed to be a fashion blog -- here's some recent selfies: