Hey y'all.
Um so. I'm not stopping blogging -- but I am leaving blogger. The simple fact of the matter is, I can't stand google. There are certain google services I am forced to use because there aren't good alternatives but -- as I have my own website and pay 5$/mo for webhosting and I have learned to actually host a blog there? I'm moving to blogging on my personal website!
As those following me here know -- I was recently denied my breast reduction until I get down to 190lbs (currently 250lbs) and as someone with a history of eating disorders, any attempt to lose weight is going to lead to severely worsened mental health. So, I've been looking for other options. I recently bought the ultimate compression tank from Underworks and while it sure does flatten out my chest, I can't really just hang out while wearing it -- sitting down in it makes breathing somewhat difficult and the compression on my stomach can give me digestive issues. Oh, the joys of being thirty!
On top of that, I happen to have very large (40K) and very close-set (I have cleavage even shirtless) breasts -- and binders really tend to want to smoosh them up towards the front when I wear them. Which creates a way more obvious curve and a lot of sweating, even in the winter. Sure, I can re-adjust and push the tissue towards my arm pits but it will, inevitably, when moving my arms, squish right back into the center.
Just before Christmas, I discovered the existence of Trans Tape thanks to tumblr user @nothorses. Looking at it, I noticed that their instagram and examples are really inclusive of fat trans men and fat nonbinary people -- which made me incredibly happy. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to see 90% of things for trans folk advertised on wispy thin people. Which made me decide: I am going to give this a shot!
I ordered a roll of the large beige tape and waited, very impatiently, for my package to arrive. My first impressions were that there was quite a bit on the roll (though my fumbling to get things on the first time meant I wasted a lot of it. Oops). And that I really did like the texture. So I did my 24 hour allergy test and again, I waited (very impatiently).
A quick bit of context so that readers have a better idea of what I am working with so they can make an informed decision: I have very dense breasts that are made up mostly of mammary tissue due to being pregnant in my early 20s (I was also, irritatingly, lactating colostrum until I was three months into taking T). So my breasts don't have quite as much "squish" as some other people. They're also very heavy (somewhere around 10lbs per breast) and do not like to be smooshed at all.
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Anyway -- I know I have very few followers here but I want to, I don't know, apologize for my absence? I have a lot of half-finished drafts for this blog and very little finished writing since I changed it over. Most of this is because I keep second-guessing my thoughts and feelings on certain topics, especially ones relating to transness and trans-masculinity in particular. It can be pretty fraught talking about these things on places like Tumblr and twitter (which, if you're on either site and in the trans circles that I am, have had some serious kerfluffles and drama lately, to put it very blithely).
Which is a really weird experience for me because before, when I was presenting as a woman or a nonbinary person (who was very much not a woman) I didn't have this sort of hesitancy to state my opinion or talk about my experiences. I think this is just because I genuinely, very deeply, do not want to be seen as just Another Man™ trying to speak over women or something like that.
That being said... It was my birthday on the 4th -- I'm now thirty years old! Which is ten years older than I ever thought I would be. I was a deeply depressed kid and it only got worse in my late teens (especially after I had my first trans awakening and then deeply closeted myself) and for whatever reason, I was 100% convinced I'd die by twenty. That very much did not happen (despite all jokes about being dead/undead) and I am very happy about that but currently, also, very frustrated.
The 3rd was my breast reduction consult with a local plastic surgeon... And it went pretty badly, all things told. If my blog description didn't clue you in, I am fat. I'm superfat or infinifat, or even midfat, I don't think? But I am fat. Definitely fat enough not to qualify for top surgery. Which is frustrating because while I did mention some chest dysphoria to my PCP when I got the referral, my primary reason for wanting to get surgery is that I have a 40K bust size. I can't breathe when I'm lying on my back and I have difficulty standing/walking because of the weight of my chest. This is especially frustrating because, looking at the American Board of Plastic Surgery's website and the before/afters for breast reductions, there are definitely people my size or bigger who have gotten them. I can't help but wonder if part of it was that it was labeled as being for transition and it seems that the standards for weight are a bit stricter for trans men when it comes to top surgery than they seem to be for cis women with breast reduction.
I say this especially because my roommate -- who is my exact height and was my exact weight when they got theirs -- had a breast reduction and it was covered by their insurance. I've found out their doctor is still practicing and I intend to contact him this Monday if I have the emotional energy to do so.
All things told it was... really disheartening. Especially since I've been dealing with a restrictive eating disorder since 2018/2019, my breasts are nearly half of the weight the plastic surgeon wanted me to lose and a [study] showed that breast reductions are one of the safest surgeries to perform on people with a BMI <40. I really wish it were a thing where I could just... I don't know, sign a waiver? Saying "I understand that my BMI makes it more likely to have complications from my surgery and in the event of said complications, I won't sue for malpractice nor will my family sue for malpractice if, somehow, I fucking die".
Leaving out like, what bullshit BMI actually fucking is re: whether or not someone is in good enough health to get surgery. I'm really hoping the doctor who did my roommate's surgery about a decade ago will be able to do mine because if I have to continue life with 20lbs of breast tissue... I just don't know. I really don't. I have wanted this done since I was a teenager and I was only an E cup back then. I've had consistent mammary growth since my pregnancy -- gaining 5 cup sizes and like, 20" across the bust (I also gained 6" in the band). And they have continued to grow despite starting T. Thankfully they did finally fucking stop lactating! Things they don't tell you about pregnancy is that that can fucking happen. I gave birth in 2013, btw.
I just...yeah. I'm not sure if I'm going to write a lot more posts soon or not because I'm kind of... very down about all of this. I'm keeping track of calories just to kind of idk, show the next doctor "look, this is my caloric intake, I'm already eating well below "maintenance" level calories for my BMI and I can't safely exercise with my disabilities and my giant chest"
Might be feeling better once the binder I bought that night comes in though. My GC2B went missing somewhere and the other binder I have is the econ-binder from Underworks which is admittedly really nice for days when I can't handle a heavier duty binder but it doesn't offer a whole lot of compression... So I bought myself their highest compression tank binder...At least it'll help with the little bit of chest dysphoria I have (Which is mostly social, let's be honest) and helps keep them somewhat out of the way...
I was just... I don't know ugh. Everyone told me "there's NO WAY they'll turn you down, not with how big your chest is" and getting the "your bmi is too high, I won't do it until you lose 55lbs" just fucking gutted me. I was so hopeful that this summer I wouldn't have to deal with all the bullshit my chest causes me but now it's... it feels very hopeless that I will ever be in a more comfortable body.
Anyway, because this was supposed to be a fashion blog -- here's some recent selfies:
This post is, essentially, going to be a transcription of a [thread] from my [twitter] -- with some alterations/clarifications and some expansion done, along with some context added. note: in the original thread I said transmasc and transfem/transfemme but after further thought on it, I don't think those are the correct terms to use in this discussion and will be using trans men/trans women.
Context: Lately, on twitter (and also on Tumblr), there's been a lot of discussion as to whether or not trans men have male privilege -- personally, I think the whole privileged vs not privileged discussion really falls apart when it comes to things like sexuality, gender and disability but I'm not going to get into that in this post, maybe some time later -- and the (in my opinion, correct) assertion that trans men do not experience male privilege, is often met with the counter argument that the person making that assertion is implying that trans women do have male privilege and thus, that the person saying trans men don't have male privilege is a transmisogynist.
I want to make it incredibly clear before I get into this: I do not believe that trans women have male privilege or are "socialized male" in any sense. I also do not believe that trans men are "socialized female". I think that, while trans people may sometimes have things in common with both cis members of their true gender and cis members of their AGAB in regards to upbringing, I believe that trans people have trans childhoods and that we have more in common with other trans people than any cis people
an additional disclaimer: this post focuses primarily on binary trans experiences because while I am a genderqueer trans man, I'm still a trans man and a lot of these arguments seem to either come down to "AMAB/TMA and AFAB/TME people are opposites" or they ignore nonbinary people entirely. Though, I honestly feel like treating nonbinary as "opposite" to binary transness/gender instead of being an umbrella which contains a multitude of different genders (including no gender!) reinforces what I will describe below.
Okay, with that out of the way, let's get to the thread "transcription"
Trans men and trans women aren't opposites. We aren't mirrors or "different sides of the same coin". The idea that trans men and trans women are "complete opposites" or have opposite/conflicting experiences is rooted in patriarchy and bio-essentialism. Which is to say, rooted in the patriarchal, bio-essential value that men and women as categories are opposites. Even more so, acting like trans men and trans women inherently have oppositional/competing needs or are enemies is also rooted in patriarchal bullshit -- in addition to being, pretty much literally, radfem rhetoric!
The idea that men and women are, by some sort of inherent nature, enemies is patriarchal and counter-intuitive to feminism and to queer/trans liberation at its very core. This is because it ends up reinforcing the idea that man/woman are oppositional categories -- that they are clearly defined with reinforced boundaries with no overlap. Which is not only bio-essentialist bullshit, but also reproduces and reinforces strict, binary gender roles. On top of this, it's scientifically unsound -- since, if you've had any biology education past sixth grade, you know that human "sex" occurs along a spectrum and that humans don't actually have particularly pronounced sexual dimorphism. Men and women are not entirely different, uniquely defined categories with no overlap. Seeing trans men and trans women as "opposite" or "mirrors" reinforces this conservative, patriarchal line of thinking -- as does seeing trans men as inherently dangerous or oppressive to trans women. The idea that men are inherently dangerous to women is a lie.
The reason men can be dangerous to women (and non-men) isn't some natural, inherent trait but the effects of patriarchy's toxic influence on men (and not all men at that. Men are entirely capable of overcoming patriarchy's influence and being a safe, healthy presence in the lives of women and other non-men. If there were no patriarchy, men wouldn't present a greater danger to women than other women do. It is a learned and entirely unlearnable thing.
While it is necessary to acknowledge that trans men and trans women have different experiences and often, different needs (it is, in fact, crucial to talk about the differing experiences and needs of trans men and trans women and nonbinary people) trans men and trans women are not perfect opposites.
In other words, saying that trans men do not have male privilege does not imply that trans women do have male privilege and to read the statement "trans men do not have male privilege" as implying that trans women do indeed have male privilege, relies upon the viewpoint exemplified above!
It can be, and is entirely true that neither trans men nor trans women have access to male privilege. Trans women don't have male privilege because well, trans women are not men. And trans men don't have access to male privilege because, while trans allies and other trans people may see us as men, patriarchy does not. Patriarchy sees men as "uppity" women who don't "know their place". The system doesn't grant trans men the privileges that cis men have* because the system doesn't acknowledge us as men. Because patriarchy relies on the separation of man/woman as opposite categories that can never intersect so patriarchy will never acknowledge trans people as our actual gender -- even if our gender is "man".
If we continue to treat trans men and trans women (and by extension, cis men and cis women) then we will never be able to actually dismantle the system of cishetero patriarchy or achieve queer & trans liberation -- because, as stated above, the patriarchy relies on this separation of man/woman into distinct and oppositional categories to enact control.
There is an excellent [thread] by @MagsVisaggs on twitter that delves into why the Catholic Church will never acknowledge or validate transgender people (at least, not in our lifetimes) and I think it really clearly explains this categorization/separation much better than I can.
While she is focusing specifically on Catholicism/the Catholic Church, it does give a lot of insight into how patriarchy thinks of gender -- because the basis of a lot of modern patriarchy in Europe, the US and a lot of other colonized countries, is Christianity. Which has its roots in Catholocism. A lot of "secular" anti-trans ideology and patriarchal thinking uses "biology" in much same way that St. Thomas Aquinas used the Divine/God (and really, I don't truly consider "secular" because it's basically a Conservative Christian worldview with the serial numbers filed off).
And that basis is why, I think, if we continue to concede to any part of patriarchal doctrine as "correct" (i.e., men and women are inherently different and oppositional in nature) we can't possibly effectively combat or dismantle patriarchy. Because we are still actively participating in it. In order to dismantle patriarchy and achieve queer & trans liberation, men, women and nonbinary people must work together and stop seeing each other as enemies. Because it's not "men vs non-men" or "men vs women" or "afab vs amab" or what the fuck ever. The patriarchy wants to crush and control us all and the only way to defeat is for all of us to fight against it as one.
an aside: this is also why any women's/lesbian separatist ideology/movement cannot possibly succeed in dismantling patriarchy -- because almost every single one of them, with trans-exclusionary or trans-"inclusive" -- relies on the idea that men are inherently different from and by nature dangerous and oppressive to women and is thus participating in or at the very least conceding that patriarchy is correct in at least one aspect. I don't care if people want to create a women's commune somewhere out in the middle of nowhere and completely avoid interacting with men for the rest of their lives. That's fine, if that's what would make you feel happy/safe, go for it. Just... don't pretend that making a 21st century queer friendly, secular nunnery is actually a solution to patriarchy
*Patriarchy doesn't grant the full breadth of male privilege to all men, either. Queer men, disabled men and men who are BIPOC are all actively oppressed by patriarchy (since patriarchy is an element of white supremacy) and talking to people who either are the "wrong kind" of cis men or were perceived as the "wrong kind" of cis men, it's become exceedingly obvious to me that, by and large, only men who sufficiently perform white, able-bodied, neurotypical cishetero masculinity are granted full access to male privilege
final disclaimer: obviously, I missed things and I'm sure there are places where my wording is unclear. Additionally, I am only one man (who is white and currently non-passing) so my view-point naturally has places where it's lacking or is non-inclusive! my apologies in advance for that! Thank you so much for your time in reading this.
ETA: I want to also note that men can also be dangerous to other men and that sexist/misogynist violence is a) not the only form of violence (homophobic violence, transphobic violence, racist violence, ableist violence and etc.,) and b) that trans men are also at times subject to misogynistic violence -- not because we are women but because those perpetrating the violence see us as women.
(Imo, Violence is often not done based on the internal identity of the victim but rather, based upon the perception of the perpetrator. If someone out in meatspace sees me and perceives me as a "woman" and sexually harasses me based on that, that's not transphobia (even though it's based in cissexism and transphobic assumptions about gender) it's misogyny. Whereas; if someone sees me in meatspace and realizes I'm trans and harasses/attacks me because I am trans that would be transphobia. This gets complicated in online spaces where we openly declare our internal identities but yeah. That's my view on that topic.)
I feel like, when we're talking about the harms of patriarchy, it's really important to talk about how men are also harmed by it and how men can be just as dangerous to men as they can be to women (not getting into how things like racism can be leveraged against men of color by white women because that's not really my lane but that also happens!)
After going to Historical Society's used book sale and looking at a ton of romance novels I have decided something I want to do -- write a (fantasy) romance novel with a (gay/bi) trans man lead. I have some ideas already baking, too! 💗Really hoping to get started on that soon and have some real stuff to share with everyone ^^
I'm a member and admin over on Witches of PA on facebook and repeatedly, we have members who seem to have very little understanding of Satanism and Luciferianism throwing the words around to describe "evil" or "selfish" (or making my favorite erroneous claim that "witches don't believe in Satan" -- which is a holdover from the days when basically all witchcraft and paganism were looked at through the lens of Gardnerian Wicca/neo-paganism or Silver Ravenwolf books) It gets really frustrating to see so many people who seem to consider themselves "pagan" resorting to that kind of utterly Christian thinking -- that Satan is evil and etc., Or insisting that all witches are Wiccan (I wish this mindset would die but it's still alive and well in a lot of witchcraft spaces and pagan reconstructionist settings -- I could go on forever about how much I dislike the way Wicca treats the Divine but... That would be getting horrifically off topic.)
Anyway, I wrote a sort of "primer" on the basics of Satanism and Luciferianism for those who are miseducated in the group (and aren't willing to do basic research) and I've decided to share it here (links & formatting added because facebook sucks)
Hey there witches -- your local Satanic Admin here to clear up some sh!t about Satanism and Luciferianism for y'all since I've seen some really worrying behavior in this group from some folks and it's starting to get very, very old.
First off: Satanists and Luciferians aren't evil. That's Far Right, Evangelical Christian Propaganda. There were no Satanic Cults in the 70s and 80s abusing children, sacrificing goats and performing evil rituals. Satanists, as a general rule, don't sit here planning how to do evil and harm people. This is stuff you could easily learn with a basic google search or even just checking Wikipedia. Research is your friend but since I know a lot of people don't like to do research, I'm reaching out to do some education.
Second: Luciferianism and Satanism are not actually the same thing and neither of them are synonyms for selfishness.
Third, a little primer on Satanism:
Satanists, unless they're self-proclaimed "theistic Satanists", don't worship Satan or even *believe* in the existence of Satan (or God, for that matter.) Satanism is a nontheistic/atheist religion that focuses on self-determination, free-will, autonomy, enlightenment and self-betterment.
They do not believe in encroaching upon the rights of others in any capacity or in harming others (unless in self-defense). There are two major organizations that exist in Satanism, though I'm sure there are more branches -- the Church of Satan (which was founded by Anton LaVey, an American Occultist, and is considered the first incidence of Satanic Continuity in history) and the Satanic Temple. Neither of which are theistic in nature! In fact...
The Satanic Temple regarding Satan (taken from Wikipedia): "The Satanic Temple does not believe in a supernatural Satan; instead it employs the literary Satan as a metaphor to promote pragmatic skepticism, rational reciprocity, personal autonomy, and curiosity. Satan is thus used as a symbol representing "the eternal rebel" against arbitrary authority and social norms."
The Church of Satan regarding Satan (taken from Wikipedia): "The Church does not believe in the Devil, neither a Christian nor Islamic notion of Satan. Peter H. Gilmore describes its members as "skeptical atheists", embracing the Hebrew root of the word "Satan" as "adversary". The Church views Satan as a positive archetype who represents pride, individualism, and enlightenment, and as a symbol of defiance against the Abrahamic faiths which LaVey criticized for what he saw as the suppression of humanity's natural instincts."
[Note added for blog version: there are some controversies surrounding both the Church of Satan and the Satanic Temple, both iirc, involving sexual misconduct. Anton LaVey himself is a pretty problematic figure but this doesn't change what Satanism as a belief structure espouses its beliefs are -- and I think we should always take the word of members of a group as to what it believes over those who are not (and never have been) members of this group. We can criticize their actions as not in line with their professed beliefs, certainly, but we can't say that the CoS and ST having problems in their leadership suddenly means that all Satanists don't actually believe what they say they do.]
Fourth, a quick primer on Luciferianism: Luciferianism is a belief system that views Lucifer not as evil but as a destroyer of unjust systems, a guardian and liberator and light bringer... Some Luciferians may even consider Lucifer the *true* God as opposed to Jehovah/ The Christian God.
Luciferianism, in the modern sense (there are some Medieval/14th century occurances of Luciferianism but most Luciferians are followers of the modern thought), is based in Anarchism and self-determination, much like Satanism.
From the author of the Anarchist Journal "Lucifer the Lightbringer": "The god of the Bible doomed mankind to perpetual ignorance, and [people] would never have known Good from Evil if Lucifer had not told them how to become as wise as the gods themselves." (source)
[note added to blog post: yes, Harman was involved in the foundation of the Eugenics Movement which is, fucking obviously, bad. But Christianity isn't free of problematic actors either and no belief system or religious movement is. While I personally call myself a Luciferian (since I despise the term "Satan Worshipper" or "Devil Worshipper" -- I'm considering changing my personal identification to "demonolator" but that's neither here nor there.]
Fifth: I want to ask a question: why are so many *Pagans* invoking Satan as a symbol of evil in this group? Why are so many *Pagans* against Satanists? You're not Christian, Satan has *nothing to do* with your religious/spiritual practice, according to most Pagan practices, Satan doesn't even *exist*. You're literally giving into Christian mindsets and applying them to non-Christians while calling yourself witches and Pagans. That's utterly hypocritical and it needs to stop.
If you've read this far, please leave me a comment -- if you've got any questions, I will answer them as best I can. If people start clowning on this post, I *will not* be taking that lightly. This is an attempt to clear up miseducation. If you decide you want to continue to be miseducated and be a dick well.. I'll take it up with the modmin team.
Thank you for reading and for Lucifer's sake, do some freaking research once in awhile
It could be more in-depth and more nuanced by the fact that Facebook doesn't allow for formatting of any kind makes it hard to write a good informational post on there without it turning into an incomprehensible wall or text.
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| Long Live Org XIII |
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| From a photoshoot I did with a friend shortly after getting my lip pierced at the end of July. |
So, about three years of news to update readers on, huh? I think one of the most obvious things is that I'm finally out as a trans guy now. I had my original "realization" that I was a guy back in 2009 at the tender young age of 17. I was living with conservative queerphobic parents at the time and while I kind of socially transitioned for a little bit, I eventually went whole hog into pretending to be a girl again...
From 2014 (when I left Wisconsin, moving to Rural PA, 14 hours away from the rest of my family) onward, started to experiment with gender and try to figure out what I was and what felt right to me -- going from woman to genderfluid to nonbinary femme to nonbinary to bigenderflux and (for now, at least) settling on nonbinary trans man. A very gender nonconforming trans man but that's what makes me happy -- and being happy is what matters most to me in my life.
I ended up mostly homeless at the end of 2018 but my boyfriend and I were lucky enough to have found some amazing friends with whom we're kind of still staying -- the problem with rural towns is that landlords from big cities come here, buy up all the cheap housing and think that a town with almost no full-time labor can afford Pittsburgh's rent.
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| Channeling the 80s with leopard print |
The summer weather, however, is really not helping with being able to go places -- since there's a good number of my medications that cause it to be more difficult to deal with the heat and shorts are a nightmare for my dysphoria, apparently! I'm experimenting with my fashion a bit more and trying to figure out what kind of "masculine" looks make me happiest and what feels the best to me.
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| A very blurry photo from karaoke (8/5/2021) |
Mostly though, I want to start actively posting again because there's a near total lack of fat goth dude representation out there and someone needs to get that started. On top of that, I'm getting exhausted with the algorithm-driven, instant gratification-centric, constant content creation & comparison model of most social media. It's exhausting to feel that kind of pressure to constantly create and constantly be offering myself up. Especially since social media like Twitter really encourages a lack of nuance and proper understanding... Not to mention the fact that sites like Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook and Instagram are all loaded with weightloss bullshit and actively work to repress self expression and punish adult content creators (I'm a former online SW and I'm also an erotica writer who makes illustrations for his work so...) As such, I'm working to create an online presence for myself that's a bit more detached from that sort of thing.
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| A recent OOTD |
So, what does all of this mean for my blog? Well -- I'm not really going to change much. I still want to focus on goth fashion and try to do more DIY type posts because the commercialization of goth is beginning to irritate me in my approaching middle-age. Spending time with cranky elder goths is fantastic except that one begins to develop a very "get these whippersnappers off my front lawn!" sort of mindset. Not to mention I'm just going through a very nostalgic period and deeply longing for the days when goth didn't look so perfectly put-together and not everyone was an influencer doing promos for K*llstar, D*llskill and Bl*ckcraft...
In addition to all of that, I started T in February and I'd like to occasionally talk about that as well as just making posts about living as a trans goth guy in a rural area.
I think that about covers it for now! I'm looking forward to making a comeback and hopefully I can actually stay somewhat consistent in posting, lol.
Photo Gallery ("recent" photos I like)
I'm kind of getting tired of the rest of social media and want to do more to cultivate my own spaces so I want to post here on my blog more often. Uh it's gonna take me a bit to actually get stuff back together but yeah. Also, turns out I'm a trans man!
